What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
where are you?
Hypothermia
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
