I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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