I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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