I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
