why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
