I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
