i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
