i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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