lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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