i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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