went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
