Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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