wrigley field is MILF paradise
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
