I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
My vagina just clenched in fear
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
