Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Randomize
