so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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