I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
