Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
