He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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