I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
