I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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