Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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