Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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