you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
