If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
