are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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