i'm signing you up for texting rehab
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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