Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Randomize
