Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
