my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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