are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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