..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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