and my herpes radar will keep us safe
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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