at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
