if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
