I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
