I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Two words: nipple clamps
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