Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
