I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
