Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
