Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
