the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
