it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
