i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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