I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
