I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
