I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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