The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
