Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
