Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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