I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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